I am Not Enough

Twilight ZoneSubmitted for your approval…

Sorry, I just had a to borrow a line from Rod Serling because I certainly feel like I am stepping into the Twilight Zone.

For those of you who pay attention to such things, you may have noticed that I have not posted any work out updates in several weeks. That’s because there haven’t been any workouts to post about.

I hurt my back…again. I did it good this time. Two herniated discs, L4 and L5, thanks to bad form on a 115-pound deadlift. Yeah, oooh, I am such a He-Man. I was on Day 2 of Week 3 of Shortcut to Shred. I got too far forward and I knew I hurt myself bad when I did it. Finally got an MRI and lo and behold, jelly donut disc material pressing on nerve roots. My right hip aches, I feel like I have a knife in my back and my foot goes numb if I stand for longer than 10 minutes. In short, it hurts like hell ALL THE DAMN TIME.

So, tomorrow morning, I get to have a microdiscectomy. I have no idea if this will help the chronic problem I have had for the last 10 years. I hope it does. I do know this much – it’s the only thing that’ll fix the injury. No work for two weeks and a total of six weeks of recovery. I won’t be able to do anything but walk for exercise for six weeks. I haven’t been able to work out since the injury, which happened about a month ago.

For the faithful readers of this blog, you know that I have lost approximately 60 pounds. My heaviest weight was 236 and my lowest has been 176. I am thankful that I have not gained a pound in the last month. You never know if your metabolism is right until you put it to the test. I never wanted to have to put it to a test.

I have worked so hard to get to 180 pounds. I have run and walked over 600 miles (which is a drop in the bucket compared to many), lifted I don’t know how many pounds for I don’t know how many reps, restricted and changed my diet as much as possible and sweat blood to achieve this.

At 45, almost 46, I still think my metabolism is screwed. I could be wrong. What I do know is I can’t eat spaghetti and meatballs at 8 o’clock at night and expect to remain at this weight. Since I got to 180 I definitely indulge more than I did when I was dieting down. I’ll have a piece of candy, a cookie or a brownie or pizza. Always in moderation. That was a tough word to learn.

My diet is restrictive as it is. Egg/egg whites, a couple of turkey sausage links, a slice of wheat toast and coffee for breakfast. Greek yogurt and maybe some crackers (Special K, Triscuits…something with carbs I shouldn’t have) as a late morning snack, salad for lunch, another Greek yogurt late in the day. Mix in protein shakes when I am lifting and where does that leave me? 1,500 calories? Yeah, I am addicted to Pringles, that’s my big weakness. But I don’t eat the whole can in one sitting like I used to. Throw in some fruit, or chips and salsa for evening snacks. I don’t drink much alcohol anymore. Unless you want to count the bourbon I have been getting into lately to help deal with the pain. I don’t drink soda.

It is my whole-hearted belief that if I eat three squares a day, plus have between meal snacks like is recommended for a healthy metabolism (that whole 5-6 small meal thing), and DON’T exercise, I will blow up. I’ll be back to 240 in the blink of an eye. I have worked too hard for that to happen. I am also afraid that if I do gain any significant weight and can’t exercise the way I WANT TO, I’ll give up. I’ll quit.

Because of my schedule and my commute, joining a gym is not an option to me. I racked my brain for damn near a year trying to figure out how to fit an exercise regimen into my daily life. Working out between 8-10 p.m. was the only answer. I’m not going to take a spin class. I hate cardio machines. Cardio for the sake of cardio – bleah. Ain’t happening.

I know what I want to look like. I don’t accept genetics or age as barriers or obstacles. I only know to alter my diet and find a new workout. I have hated my body my entire life. Skinny, fat…doesn’t matter. This is my one shot at fixing 45 years of self hate, self doubt, self esteem…all that. I cannot go backwards. I refuse to yo-yo. I’ve worked too hard. I don’t want to go through that again.

Físico_3When I started this, I was told to find an ideal, someone I wanted to model myself after. I thought long and hard. When I found out Daniel Craig was my height, my age, (actually a year older) and the weight I wanted to be, I was SOLD. Then I got lucky enough to find his workout. I have done so much research. I have taken so much advice, and ignored so much.  I have made a boatload of mistakes and I have had my share of successes. I still don’t feel like I have accomplished anything. I am not done. People say I am too hard on myself. People say I should be proud of what I have done. I am not finished. I am still overweight. I still have belly fat I can’t stand to touch or look at.

I think I have a mild form of OCD, I have an obsessive, addictive personality. I am addicted to exercise, I refuse to believe that my goal or my ideal is impossible. My mind thinks I am 20, my body obviously has other ideas. I just keep thinking if I work harder it’ll happen.

Setbacks are a part of life, I get that. The one thing I have managed to prevent during this process is going backwards. I feel like I am going to undo everything I have done. I feel like what I have done isn’t good enough.

ghostbusters-stay-puft-marshmallow-man-bank-xlWith the most recent diet adjustments and the increase in protein intake – coupled with the Shortcut to Shred workout – I was really starting to finally see the results I wanted. Now, I am soft and squishy again. I feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.

I have white coat syndrome. I don’t like doctors. This isn’t a knee scope. This is my back. This is my spine. I watched a video of the procedure I am about to have on YouTube tonight. Why did I do that? I could have gone my entire life and not known what is going to happen to me in the morning and been perfectly happy.

Part of me is upset about this because I have done it to myself. I have no time timeframe for my ideal body goal. I had no timeframe for my initial weight loss goal and I know damn well it took longer than it should have. And I know this has thrown a monkeywrench into my plans.

This injury, surgery and projected recovery time are seriously going to eat into my summer and has the whole Speedo body thing on hold indefinitely.

This whole thing seems like one big ramble. I am all over the place emotionally. The pain and pain medication has me on one of those old-fashioned 1970s mood swings. You know the kind that doesn’t have the one leg firmly cemented in the ground. The kind your neighbor would sue you over if you had one today.

The World is not Enough 1999I’m losing my motivation. I’m scared to get cut. I am not looking forward to recovery and rehab. I am looking forward to feeling better but I wonder if what I am having done is going to fix me.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never look like I want. I feel like I am undoing everything I have done. My inferiority complex and my belief that nothing I do is good enough are adding up to more self-doubt. I want to run and I want to lift weights. But I don’t know if I ever will again. The past month has been ridiculously difficult with the pain and inability to exercise. The stress eating isn’t helping either.

As you know, I am a fan of James Bond films. Pierce Brosnan starred in The World is Not Enough. I star in I am Not Enough.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s